Nihilistic

I’m just feeling super nihilistic lately. I just wonder why do anything, or why avoid anything, or why work, why save, why exercise? Just fuck it all. I’m so stressed about everything that I’m to that point of feeling comfortable within the entropic chaos that is life. I worry when things start to go really well, or I’m feeling too much joy…because that just doesn’t last now does it? Sure it’s great to be positive and feel optimistic, but really what’s the point? It doesn’t change too much in the long run. I might have a line on a job that could lead to something better paying soon…but it might not…might be a gamble. I don’t know, but I’ll know more tomorrow. Even then, we have to deal with the child support bullshit later this summer. This means that this summer we get to stress and worry over that the whole way. And the beginning portion will involve the kid being here which means stress there, not to mention that’ll be during the time of our first anniversary. Not that we have plans to do anything specific. I’m just not thrilled about any of it. The tax return was shit because they adjusted it for reasons I still can’t figure out. I’m sinking in this feeling that I’ll never pay off my student loans, or be able to close my credit cards and rid myself of them, and let’s not even talk about getting the master’s. There’s so much I need to do and take care of and I feel that for everything that I do, two more things pop up to be done. It’s a fucking “to-do list” hydra. I’m just done with the shit.

I went to the gym today and it was excruciating. Not that it hurt or anything, it was just annoying and boring as hell. I hate working out, but I need to strengthen my ankle and back to avoid future injuries. I did a little gardening, took Freya for a little trip, and have done a bit of painting in with my usual chores. So there’s that. But I’m just over it. I feel like I’m on a razor’s edge between laughing hysterically and crying until I can’t breathe. And I’m not near the PMDD portion of the month, so this feeling will only get better. Yay. The fucking excitement is palpable. This is just a rant, and honestly I just need some wine and a hammock and a nap that finds me winning the lotto when I wake. Is that so much to ask?

Ok. Thanks for reading and hope you’re all doing well. Go forth and be kind.

Graduation!!!

So I graduated! As you know since I already posted about that. But here are more pictures. It was awesome…I mean for getting up super early and standing a lot and then sitting a lot and then walking across a stage for 30 seconds. But hey! For that 30 seconds they said my name followed by “cum laude” and I got to wear my cords!!! So yay! Then Ross and I went to eat at the cheesecake factory and then came home to rest and relax for the day. It was awesome and feels like such a relief to be done. For now anyway. Not sure when I’ll get around to the whole master’s thing. Lots to sort out before that anyway, so all in due time. So enjoy some pictures and have some good sunny days! Or rainy ones! Whatever makes you happy ^_^

Can’t brain. at all. Is. borke….yep borke

I know I need to be studying. Or working on my paper. Or something productive. But brain hurts. I have a 7-10 page paper and a final due next week. All I can manage is to stare at the paper or the screen. I can’t produce anything helpful. I read the words and realize I have no idea what I’m reading. No recollection. I’m useless at the moment.

Part of it is the fact that the kid is over this weekend and I can never focus when he’s here. He is loud, or into shit, or needing something, or whatever. How do full time parents go back to school? Fuck. But seriously. Even when his dad is full time dealing with things I still can’t focus. Part of that is on me to let go of control or whatever, but also the distraction levels are ridiculous. Just so much noise. All the time. And I usually like to go to bed early, but can’t when he is here. Well I could but I wouldn’t go to sleep because there would still be noise, even if he tries to be quiet. So yay less sleep for work and the like. I know I’ll be up later tonight and have to be at work earlier tomorrow. I’m so excited. And Ross is already asleep at the moment. Maybe if I let him nap then he can get up and do bedtime and I can go to bed closer to on time….though technically that’s right now for me………and another hour for the kid. (Central vs Eastern…I live on Eastern and him on Central so…..). Plus he doesn’t have school tomorrow while I have work. Just shit. All over shit. I’m tired AF. 1 more week then I graduate then I’m sleeping. For days. Straight. Fuck it.

Ok. Go forth and be kind and do good on finals and support others and breath. It’ll all be ok.

Executive Dysfunction

Is. An. Evil. Bastard.

The end. Punch line. Story told right there. I mean….with executive dysfunction you wouldn’t be shocked if I ended there yea? I want to. But if I end there then I have to start on my school work and that’s harder and more intimidating so I plan to just keep writing this instead.

I was doing so well. Yesterday at work I just kept plucking away at the list and getting myself prepared and ready for the week. Then last night I worked on a group project and that went quite well. And this morning I cleaned and walked the dog and then off to class where we presented our project. All was well and good…..until the professor dropped the news that the final would be in person and not online………ALL the other exams and quizzes have been online. AND no notes, or open books…..like all the other exams. This class is not easy, and things haven’t really been well explained in a way that I have any understanding of what I’m looking at or thinking through. I understand everything in a vague sense of the ideas, but I’m not confident in being tested. Guess I’ll be re-reading everything and going through all the practice quizzes and all the lectures and on and on. On top of the paper I have to go write, the last presentation project I need to go finish, and I think there’s something else but I’m forgetting.

THEN. After I got home, put away groceries, walked the dog, made dinner, and tried to relax….I go through my emails and see the invoice for our lot lease that’s due in a month………A time of year that I never look forward to and always forget. I can choose to pay it by the month, which ends up being more expensive over the long run, but I don’t really have a choice this year. I’m going to have to go monthly because I don’t have enough reserves to pay it all at once. Ross and I are both making more now than this time next year, but between doctor’s bills or vet bills or college tuition (seriously, this semester fucked me because I wasn’t taking enough hours to qualify for the loan…) or prices of things going up and and on and on and on….yea…we’re just not there this year. We’ve been slowly going around the budget and cutting corners and edges and fiddling things down where we can, but it just seems like money never stays in the bank like we need it to. There’s always something come up. I just never feel like I’m swimming…just treading stormy seas.

So my executive dysfunction is rearing up with vengeance right now. I just don’t have the motivation to start projects. I keep losing track of time right now too. 2 minutes ago it was just 7 o’clock and now it’s 9. Wtf. And there’s no way I can keep track of all the shit I have to do, that’s usual for me. But right now I know there’s so much going on and so much I have to think about and/or do, but it just keeps coming and going into and from my brain so quickly that I can’t stop and focus on anything long enough to actually work on it.

So yep. I’m exhausted and getting a lot of nothing done and I have to go to bed shortly because I work tomorrow but I need to stay up and get something done so I’m just going to go to bed later and be sleepy at work and just fuck it all. Even though tomorrow promises to be a long ass day to begin with. So yea. Fun times. I wanna quit. Only 10 more days of class shit, then work, then break. Though I’m going to have to grubhub during the break because I gotta make that money. And gotta make all my Christmas gifts. And buy the other stuff. And get cards in the mail. And on and on. Then we will have the boy again for break which means yet more time I won’t be able to work or get anything really done. I’m just stressed. Feck.

Ok. Thanks for making it this far. You guys are awesome. Go forth and be great because you totally are.

Still have class. Yay tech.

Yay for technology because I still have to attend class today. I decided not to go into town because I’m in pain, I’m exhausted, I’m overwhelmed by the 1000 things I have to do on my to-do list. There is so much for me to think about and figure out and I needed a psychical and mental health day. So. I took it. This gave me 3 extra hours today because I didn’t have to travel whatsoever. Really, I’d rather do this for class everyday…not really sure why I can’t…but because I’m also teaching dog classes this session, I didn’t really push the subject. Whatever, it’s only this and 1 more semester. Then GRADUATION!!!!!! Until the Master’s. But we will cross that bridge on fire when we come to it. For now. Class. Fun fun. Go be kind folks.

I’m old

I mean I’m not I suppose, it’s all relative…but…I’M OLDER THAN MY CURRENT COLLEGE PROFESSOR! So right now, I feel pretty freakin old damn it. What the shit?! I know I’m older than everyone else in the damn room, with maybe…maybe…one exception. But the freaking professor?! Son of a bitch (said in Dean Winchester’s voice), this is so not fair. That’s really all this post is about. Me feeling old. Out of place. Just plain weird. That’s all. Congrats, you made it all the way through this really long post! Feel successful and go take a nap. You have accomplished something today and you deserve the reward. Night night! And mask up when you get up and go out, we’re still in this folks.

School…I’m too old for this shit

So I started the fall semester and I have to do this one in person because the class has an associated lab that’s required. I don’t really like the idea of being there in person in any way. I’m not thrilled being around so many other folks while we still have this delta variant running around like crazy. Yea everyone is masked in the classroom but they aren’t when they’re eating or in the parking lot or in the dorm rooms or sometimes the hallways. Stuff can be spreading like wildflower all over the place and here I am in the mix of it all. I also don’t like being on campus because I feel so detached from everyone but the professor. I’m closer to her age than anyone else, and honestly might be right at her age…she looks young honestly. It feels so strange to be at a totally different point in my life than where I was the first time I was on this campus, then where all these other kids are at. It almost feels like my history is being rewritten because all my memories are being overridden by these new memories. Everything on campus has been remodeled and moved and changed and painted over and GAH! Everything is different. It feels SO STRANGE. I don’t like it. I don’t want covid to close everything again, but I would like to go back to being online for classes. It’s a feeling I know I’ll get used to but it isn’t something I want to get used to. I have problems associating with memories from the past more than I should, which makes me emotional at the thought of the bad memories I have but also at the idea of erasing the good ones because all this new shit is overriding them now. It’s a stressful and strange place to be mentally and emotionally and I would appreciate if it stops. I start a new job soon, post about that to come, and it will come with insurance finally which means more therapy appointments! Yay! Finally. I have so much to catch my shrink up on! Lord.

Ok that’s really the post. Just complaining about how weird college in your 30s feels. Alright, go out and be kind to folks. Wear that damn mask. Stay tuned.

Sorry…sorta

I’m sorry, but also not sorry, that I haven’t been updating often. Chocolate work during the winter…one word…clusterfuck. Like holy wow we were busy and just working an insane amount, so yea…didn’t have much time for anything else. I had work and school and work and then more school and work and rinse and repeat. So finally, here we are, we are at a place where I can play catch up!

SO…long stories short-ish…Ross and I got engaged, I’m in my second semester of school, my parents are living in a tiny just up from me, work has been in OT and is now slower than molasses, I got a new car (I might have actually posted about that, I can’t remember and don’t feel like looking), and we are working on finishing the last little touches around the house. So yea, that’s been my life for a time. Busy and hectic but loving and awesome. I have completely lost track of what all I’ve said before, and might go through later and see, but for now I’m just going to leave it at that and just update from here on out like the last 4 months haven’t happened! HA!!

So now I’m juggling 2 classes, planning a wedding, trying to find a job within the realm of Psychology, budgeting for fewer hours at work, figuring out what else the house needs (we are putting up a greenhouse and definitely need to finish the porch), among just the normal juggles of every day life. We are getting married in June, so I have some time, but I’m already kind of freaking out. I’m not a “bride” type so planning a wedding is so far out of my field it’s ridiculous. Thankfully the bestie is helping me keep things in order and figured out, but still it feels so weird. Like am I doing stuff cause I legit want to or because it’s what’s expected of me? I don’t know yet, I’m sure I’ll talk it over with my shrink……who I have to call back but I don’t want to because anxiety makes phone calls stupid hard. Anyway…..

Side note, I started an Instagram for Freya cause she’s a gorgeous girl so why not. Follow her @the_husky_goddess. She isn’t as amused about this fact as I am, but that’s ok. The weather is looking better each day now so hopefully we will be able to do a lot more hiking and outdoorsy stuffs cause I’m in need of that. Like a lot. A lot a lot! The wedding will be outside, a lot because the outdoors means so much to Ross and me…..but also Freya will be in the wedding and most venues don’t allow dogs. Which is stupid. Dogs are better than people. And less covid-y. But whatever.

Ok that’s really all I have for right now. I’m suppose to be working on 1 of my 2 Psychology papers, so I better get back to that. Go out and be safe and wear a mask and be kind and tip a little extra cause times suck.

Life. Is. Busy.

Because I’m working 6 days a week until Valentine’s Day, yay life of a chocolatier. And I have 2 exams the day AFTER Valentine’s Day, yay life of a masochist. And I’m generally exhausted dealing with mental health issues with no more mental health meds, yay American medical system. Here is a picture of Freya to hold you guys over. Enjoy.

Hell I’ll throw in pics of the kitties too for good measure! Now put on your mask and stay at home!

My brain hurts

I probably won’t post this for another day or two, so hopefully by then all things will be fixed……but for now…..I CAN’T SIGN UP FOR CLASSES and it’s driving me nuts. I need one class specifically and I’m hoping it’s not the kind to fill up fast. I have to have Experimental Psychology in the Spring so I can have Human Research come next Fall……….because it’s a fall only class……which is super annoying. And the one must precede the other. Also annoying. And I can’t get in to register for anything because the server crashed. MAJORLY ANNOYING. So I’m catching up on some blogs and scheduling them out for the week, because why not make the most of sitting in front of this computer waiting for the pot to boil. >_<

I’m so over this, it’s definitely not helping my mental health dealing with some new added stress. Plus it’s pushing off other things that I wanted to get done today. I planned to meet my parents and go car shopping, but I can’t leave the computer. I want to also decorate for Halloween, but I keep needing to check the computer. (Granted yea, I could take this outside with me….but whatever) I want to get out and do some spray painting, not going to do that while constantly checking a computer. I will definitely get paint everywhere…….So I’m going to sit here and blog. By the time you guys read this hopefully I have the classes I need and some sanity restored. Go be kind and wear your mask folks!