Wow…it’s been almost a year…

My leaving post…

So it’s been nearly a year since I wrote that post. Nearly a year since I packed up all my shit and moved out. A year since I left a note on a door and ended a nearly 10 year relationship. This feels……strange. I won’t go into any history on this post, that’s why the link is there…feel free to dive in and read up, for this post I’m just getting into some current feels.

First off I’m trying to tease apart just what all I’m feeling and the root cause of said feelings. There’s a lot going on in the world at large, and my world in general, so trying to decide what is causing the current emotions has become challenging. Am I depressed because our “president” is an idiot, or because I’m processing the year anniversary of a breakup? Am I stressed because people can’t just be kind and selfless and wear a fucking mask, or is is because school is wearing on me? Am I worried because I have family members with risk factors and covid could be the end, or am I worried because I’m burning the candle at both ends between school/work/dog training/home/etc? Shit is confusing right now, and considering that this year has been one for the record books as far as fairly consistent trauma goes, I’m frazzled as hell.

Then there are moments like last night, where I have a dream…or nightmare…that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and depressed and anxious. In said nightmare, I was with my ex…among other people like my parents for a moment…and I was trapped. I kept trying to leave but every time I would walk through a door I would end up in another room in the house I was trying to escape. I kept trying to leave notes saying that I was leaving, or tells people that I needed out, but my ex kept making that impossible. And the snakes! There were fucking snakes everywhere. Big ones, little ones, venomous and nonvenomous. Even a fucking light blue and pink snake. Like…….really brain? What the shit? I think it may even have had like a horn…….but a unicorn horn not like a horned viper or something. What the shit? I know that snakes in dreams can symbolize the toxicity of a person or situation (so makes sense that they show up in a dream about my ex), but they can also symbolize healing and regeneration (also making sense since the dream was about me trying to leave and begin anew), it all just depends on the snake and the situational context in which they are dreamt of. Considering I was dreaming about ALL kinds of snakes in various situations, from being lead by some while others tried to attack me, I’m guessing I was feeling ALL THE SHIT.

But overall the dream caused a panic within itself, I began to hyperventilate and cry in the dream. I began to feel dread and extreme anxiety. I began to feel what I had actually felt in the “real world” while in that relationship and trying to leave. I don’t particularly like the term, but I was triggered. Then I woke up. The feelings stayed with me. It has been hours. They are still here, though thankfully quieter and more in the background than before. This isn’t the first dream like this that I have had this month, and I wonder if it is due to the fact that it has been a year since all of this was at its peak. I don’t know but I don’t like it and it needs to fuck right off.

I’m stressed and overwhelmed but I’m happy now. Ross makes me feel good and accepted, I love my little home and neighborhood, my new job rocks and the people are great, I’m finally back in school and pursuing the dreams I have. So overall it has been a good year, and I made the right choices, but that doesn’t help the left over feelings that I’m still obviously working through. I don’t know how long it’ll take but I know that I’m getting there. Wish it would move along a little fucking quicker, but guess I don’t have too much say in that. I’m doing the work, the therapy, the self care and focus. That’s all I can do, the rest is up to my brain…and if you haven’t figured out from this post or others, my brain is a dick…so this could take a while yet. *sighs*

Well, if you’ve made it this far congratulations! This counts as reading a book for the month, go ahead and brag to your friends…I’ll back you up. 🙂 Now go out there with your accomplished feelings and wear your mask and vote and be kind!!!