Random feels

I don’t know if it’s the PMS, lack of meds, exhaustion…..whatever it is….I keep having random moments when I feel like I just need to cry. I don’t cry. I don’t even tear up. You know that feeling when you’re really sad and if you have just one little thing that pushes you ever so gently over the edge you’re just going to lose it? Yea, that feeling. That keeps washing over me. Nothing ever pushes me over the edge, and the feeling is rather fleeting…but it’s kind of annoying. I haven’t noticed anything that triggers this onslaught. I haven’t noticed that it interrupts or disturbs my activities or lasts longer than just moments. Even the one time I did break down and start crying because I was overcome by some stressors (see this blog for that story), the crying didn’t last long and I was able to move past it pretty easily and quickly.

Does this mean that I’m developing better ways of coping with shit? Does this mean I really need my medicine and these moments are cause for concern? Does this mean I’m normal and everyone has this issue? I need my therapist. Seriously, I’ve got to call and see if my new insurance will cover with her because I need to get back to it. I need that outside looking in perspective from someone that’s objective and educated within this field. I’m educated in the field but obviously not objective to my own situation. This is why therapists need therapists, or should at least occasionally check in with one. It’s good to have that outside stability but within the field.

I don’t know. I’m going to call my therapist today or tomorrow, and I’ll keep you posted on what she says. I’ll also be going to a doctor soon and getting back on my meds. I’ve been slowing on those calls because I’m struggling to find a female doctor taking new patients and I’m growing annoyed. But soon. Until then thanks for keeping up with me and go out masked and kind folks.

I’m old

I mean I’m not I suppose, it’s all relative…but…I’M OLDER THAN MY CURRENT COLLEGE PROFESSOR! So right now, I feel pretty freakin old damn it. What the shit?! I know I’m older than everyone else in the damn room, with maybe…maybe…one exception. But the freaking professor?! Son of a bitch (said in Dean Winchester’s voice), this is so not fair. That’s really all this post is about. Me feeling old. Out of place. Just plain weird. That’s all. Congrats, you made it all the way through this really long post! Feel successful and go take a nap. You have accomplished something today and you deserve the reward. Night night! And mask up when you get up and go out, we’re still in this folks.

School…I’m too old for this shit

So I started the fall semester and I have to do this one in person because the class has an associated lab that’s required. I don’t really like the idea of being there in person in any way. I’m not thrilled being around so many other folks while we still have this delta variant running around like crazy. Yea everyone is masked in the classroom but they aren’t when they’re eating or in the parking lot or in the dorm rooms or sometimes the hallways. Stuff can be spreading like wildflower all over the place and here I am in the mix of it all. I also don’t like being on campus because I feel so detached from everyone but the professor. I’m closer to her age than anyone else, and honestly might be right at her age…she looks young honestly. It feels so strange to be at a totally different point in my life than where I was the first time I was on this campus, then where all these other kids are at. It almost feels like my history is being rewritten because all my memories are being overridden by these new memories. Everything on campus has been remodeled and moved and changed and painted over and GAH! Everything is different. It feels SO STRANGE. I don’t like it. I don’t want covid to close everything again, but I would like to go back to being online for classes. It’s a feeling I know I’ll get used to but it isn’t something I want to get used to. I have problems associating with memories from the past more than I should, which makes me emotional at the thought of the bad memories I have but also at the idea of erasing the good ones because all this new shit is overriding them now. It’s a stressful and strange place to be mentally and emotionally and I would appreciate if it stops. I start a new job soon, post about that to come, and it will come with insurance finally which means more therapy appointments! Yay! Finally. I have so much to catch my shrink up on! Lord.

Ok that’s really the post. Just complaining about how weird college in your 30s feels. Alright, go out and be kind to folks. Wear that damn mask. Stay tuned.

Emotions are weird

I hit a squirrel this morning. He ran out, hesitated, and because there was a car behind me and one coming in the other lane….I could do nothing. I tried to slow down so he could keep going across but he just moved back across the road right under my tire.

I used to cry anytime I hit animals while driving, even the littlest like squirrels. Hell, I even cried after running over a snake. And I mean ugly cry yall. Now…..nothing. I feel sad, I feel awful for being responsible……but I think those feelings are all in my brain and less my heart. If that makes any sense. Like I know these feelings for this scenario, but I don’t feel them. It’s weird. What happened to me?

I know I’m still capable of feeling these feelings, I suffer from depression….I have break downs of the massively unattractive, tearful, blubbering type. I know I still care greatly about animals, all of them even snakes and rats and squirrels. I came across a deer, a baby, on the side of the road that I thought was stuck in a ditch. It had been raining and everything was super muddy, so I thought she was stuck and I could try and help her out. I stopped. I got close. Her back leg was broken. She wasn’t stuck, she was hurt…..I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t even have something to take her out of her misery. I was helpless, she was helpless, I lost it. I cried frantically all the way home. I lost it again when I got home. I hyperventilated I was crying so hard. So I know I can still be affected.

But on the regular things like this aren’t affecting me the same as they used to. I don’t know if it’s the medication, or the depression, or life experiences, or what. But I don’t experience emotions quite like I have before, highs or lows. I’m always just somewhere in the middle, just existing there. I still laugh or cry. Smile or get angry. I can still feel awe and inspiration. But…..it all just feels……muted. And I don’t know why.

Once I get back to being able to have therapy sessions I’ll go over all of this with my shrink. I’ll update of course. Otherwise go out and be safe. Be kind. Wear a mask. Don’t go out at all if you can help it.

Wow…it’s been almost a year…

My leaving post…

So it’s been nearly a year since I wrote that post. Nearly a year since I packed up all my shit and moved out. A year since I left a note on a door and ended a nearly 10 year relationship. This feels……strange. I won’t go into any history on this post, that’s why the link is there…feel free to dive in and read up, for this post I’m just getting into some current feels.

First off I’m trying to tease apart just what all I’m feeling and the root cause of said feelings. There’s a lot going on in the world at large, and my world in general, so trying to decide what is causing the current emotions has become challenging. Am I depressed because our “president” is an idiot, or because I’m processing the year anniversary of a breakup? Am I stressed because people can’t just be kind and selfless and wear a fucking mask, or is is because school is wearing on me? Am I worried because I have family members with risk factors and covid could be the end, or am I worried because I’m burning the candle at both ends between school/work/dog training/home/etc? Shit is confusing right now, and considering that this year has been one for the record books as far as fairly consistent trauma goes, I’m frazzled as hell.

Then there are moments like last night, where I have a dream…or nightmare…that leaves me feeling overwhelmed and depressed and anxious. In said nightmare, I was with my ex…among other people like my parents for a moment…and I was trapped. I kept trying to leave but every time I would walk through a door I would end up in another room in the house I was trying to escape. I kept trying to leave notes saying that I was leaving, or tells people that I needed out, but my ex kept making that impossible. And the snakes! There were fucking snakes everywhere. Big ones, little ones, venomous and nonvenomous. Even a fucking light blue and pink snake. Like…….really brain? What the shit? I think it may even have had like a horn…….but a unicorn horn not like a horned viper or something. What the shit? I know that snakes in dreams can symbolize the toxicity of a person or situation (so makes sense that they show up in a dream about my ex), but they can also symbolize healing and regeneration (also making sense since the dream was about me trying to leave and begin anew), it all just depends on the snake and the situational context in which they are dreamt of. Considering I was dreaming about ALL kinds of snakes in various situations, from being lead by some while others tried to attack me, I’m guessing I was feeling ALL THE SHIT.

But overall the dream caused a panic within itself, I began to hyperventilate and cry in the dream. I began to feel dread and extreme anxiety. I began to feel what I had actually felt in the “real world” while in that relationship and trying to leave. I don’t particularly like the term, but I was triggered. Then I woke up. The feelings stayed with me. It has been hours. They are still here, though thankfully quieter and more in the background than before. This isn’t the first dream like this that I have had this month, and I wonder if it is due to the fact that it has been a year since all of this was at its peak. I don’t know but I don’t like it and it needs to fuck right off.

I’m stressed and overwhelmed but I’m happy now. Ross makes me feel good and accepted, I love my little home and neighborhood, my new job rocks and the people are great, I’m finally back in school and pursuing the dreams I have. So overall it has been a good year, and I made the right choices, but that doesn’t help the left over feelings that I’m still obviously working through. I don’t know how long it’ll take but I know that I’m getting there. Wish it would move along a little fucking quicker, but guess I don’t have too much say in that. I’m doing the work, the therapy, the self care and focus. That’s all I can do, the rest is up to my brain…and if you haven’t figured out from this post or others, my brain is a dick…so this could take a while yet. *sighs*

Well, if you’ve made it this far congratulations! This counts as reading a book for the month, go ahead and brag to your friends…I’ll back you up. 🙂 Now go out there with your accomplished feelings and wear your mask and vote and be kind!!!

Inner ramblings

I wish I could help you more than I can,

I see the struggles, the pain, the fear.

That feeling is familiar to me, all too familiar,

And I wish it wasn’t the same anguish in you voice I hear.

To absorb all that negativity, embue you with light…

I wish I could grant you that relief.

To show you your beauty, strength, relisience,

And make sure that you took it to heart as a true belief.

To wrap you up and forever protect you from the storm that rages inside,

To show you that you’ve made it through these years,

And inspire you with such passion and energy,

To hold your head high, look directly at them, and scare your own fears.

All this and more is what I wish for you.

Happiness, serenity, peace of mind.

One day I know you will feel this, live this,

And all this darkness will be so far behind.

It’s not great but it’s a quick this that’s been stirring in my skull.

Go out and be kind folks.